Moving with Children

Children and Moving

It is commonly known, that moving is one of the most stressful tasks one can ever undertake; however, as much as it's difficult for adults, it's even harder for the younger members of the family.

Moving can be especially tough on kids; it's quite normal for children to feel like they don't have any control and that they were never part of this big decision.
So to ensure your kids feel like they're involved and part of this big life-changing event, try the following tips and tricks:

Breaking the News to Your Family

When told they are moving, small children often feel scared, uncertain and a sense that their world is collapsing. In fact, because a child's home is their world, a world they associate with family, love and safety, the thought of it no longer existing can be quite frightening.

For older children, the fear of leaving friends, teachers, a school they know and a familiar routine can be equally hard. For both young children and older children, the following are some things you can do to help them adjust to the move a little more smoothly:

1. Tell your children why you are moving.
2. Have a family discussion concerning what you are sad about leaving and what you are looking forward to once you move.
3. Ask children what they would like to know about the new area -- don't make assumptions.
4. Plan a party to say good-bye to friends; develop ways to stay in touch.
5. Utilize a calendar to explain what will happen in what order during the moving process.
6. Read your child stories about moving.
7. Take a camera on your house hunting trip. Take pictures of other children, their activities and the inside of the school. Take these back to youngsters at home.
8. Allow children to participate in the packing process.
9. If possible, have all family members present on moving day to watch the loading of the van. Try to put children's possessions in last so they will be unloaded first.
10. Celebrate your arrival at your new home.
11. Explore the neighborhood with your children to alleviate their concerns about getting lost.
12. Help your children plan their first day of school -- what to wear and take along and how to get there.
13. Spend extra time with your children throughout the relocation so that you can understand their concerns and take steps to alleviate them.

When and How to Tell The Children

1. Tell them early. As soon as the decision has been made, tell your family. This is one of the most-asked questions by kids when moving news is announced: when did you decide this? Letting them know that they are the first people to hear of your decision will provide some assurance that they matter.
2. Hold a family meeting. Ask everyone to stay at the kitchen table after dinner, or turn off the television and hold it in your family room. Just make sure all members are present. I also suggest not breaking the news at a restaurant or other public forum as children need to be able to express their emotions freely. Try to do it in a warm, open environment where everyone feels comfortable. And to ensure children don't worry about the subject of your news, don't announce the meeting unless it's a regular occurrence in your household. Make it an impromptu get-together.

3. Set ground rules. If you've never held a family meeting, set some ground rules, rules that everyone can agree to. Do this at the beginning of the meeting and write down the rules where they are clearly visible. Encourage everyone to add their suggestions then come to a consensus. One such rule might be: "Do not talk when someone else is talking" or "No facial gestures or side comments." The list is endless.

4. Remain open. Allow your children to be upset. Let them ask a million questions. Let them storm off to their room. Above all, let them talk. Children need to know they've been heard.

5. Be very clear that the decision is final. Keep this in mind later during the move when you start to get cold feet. The most important thing is to always show your children you are sure of the decision and to always remain firm. Wavering on your decision or expressing doubts will cause your children to worry and to feel even more uncertain then they do. Take your cold feet to a friend or journal or discuss it with your spouse or partner when you're away from the house. And don't whisper in bed at night so little ears can hear.

6. Give them as much information as they need.During your discussion with your children, make sure you let them know the general details of your move, including where, when, why and how. If they want to know more, they'll ask. Too many details may overwhelm them. Give them time to absorb the news before you start giving them too much information.

7. The meeting is about them.Give them time to absorb the news and to ask questions if they choose to. Answer the questions honestly. If you are unsure of an answer, tell them that. Let them know that you want them to tell you how they feel, what they think and what they expect will happen. Open up the discussion and allow for dialogue amongst all family members. If needed, take turns speaking. Just make sure that everyone has a chance to voice their opinion, including the very smallest family members. Don't allow the oldest children to steer the discussion, although they are looked up to by younger members, try to allow everyone some time.

8. Reassure them. Tell your children that you're all in this together, that the move will be something that they all work together for, that you'll need their help. Let them know that if they are worried or angry or frustrated, you will help them through it.

9. Be positive. Tell your children the good things that will come from this move, and why it will be better for the entire family. Give them the advantages to moving. Be positive, but also realistic. Don't make promises you can't keep and don't exaggerate just to generate excitement. Be honest.

10. Set regular meeting dates. It's a very busy time, I know, but after the initial meeting setting regular meeting dates will give your children a routine, knowing they'll have other opportunities to talk and ask questions. As time progresses, these meetings can be used to update everyone on what's happening with the move, to provide more details and eventually, assign tasks. This regular dialogue will also encourage open communication, letting children know that they are part of this important event.

Preparing for the Move

1. First, make sure your children know that they can ask you any question and you'll give them an honest answer. Most kids want to know about their new school, neighborhood, sport teams and city. But they may also have questions you hadn't thought of, such as, "how hard is it to make friends?"; "Are we taking our dog?"; "Why are we moving?". Answer every question your child has with as many details as you can provide. Being honest and open will help your child feel confident in this decision to move. You may want to ask your child to write down their questions as they think of them, then bring them up at a family meeting to discuss each person's questions.

2. Give your child a plan for their room. Providing your child with as much information as you can about the new house will help them make some decisions before hand, such as where to place furniture and what color to paint their walls. Encourage them to make cut-outs of everything in their room so they can rearrange things before move day.

3. Encourage your child to create an address book where addresses of friends, teachers, coaches, etc... can be kept. Encourage your child to stay in touch, and assure them that their friends are just a mouse-click or postage stamp away.

4. Help your child plan their goodbyes. Some may want a party while others prefer having a few close friends over for a final slumber party. Your child may want a few separate events, for example, one for school friends, one for neighbors and another for the baseball team. As best you can, try to accommodate their wishes, within reason. Saying goodbye is an important step in the moving process.

5. Ask them to sort out their things. Give each child a list of tasks to do, including sorting out their room. Ask them to donate or add to the garage sale items any unused toys or toys they no longer play with, along with clothing they've out-grown.

Show children how to properly pack and label a box, then make a "packing date" where both you and your child spend time sorting and packing. Children will find it easier to do these tasks if the entire family is also involved. Reward "packing dates" with pizza or movie nights.

6. Tell your children to make a special box just for moving day essentials. You can call it "Moving Survival Kit". It should include those essentials your child will need during the move. Encourage them to decorate the box to make it their own. The kit should include games and books to keep them busy on the road. Your child may also want to include their address book or photos of friends. Essentials such as toothbrushes, clothes, etc... can be packed in a suitcase. The survival kit should be all about fun!

7. Make time for saying goodbye to favorite haunts. Is there a special ice-cream shop your child liked to visit? What about a museum, or park, or swimming pool? Ask your child to make a list, or make a list with the entire family, then set aside time each week to do at least one favorite thing. If you decide to do this as a family, make sure everyone is included. Make a calendar and mark out the days and event/place you'll go. This will prepare your child for saying goodbye to special places.

Managing Moving Day

1. Book a Babysitter! Amid the stacks of legal documents waiting to be signed, the stresses of last-minute negotiations, and the unappealing prospect of packing up the last of your belongings, sometimes the children -- and the feelings they're encountering -- get lost in the shuffle. Put childcare in place to allow you to focus on the task at hand. Ask a trusted Neighbor, friend or relative to care for the kids so you can focus on the task at hand.

2. Take a Deep Breath (or two)

While children may be going about their normal routine with no visible sign of anxiety, it's there -- or will be there -- once the big day arrives.

One of the most important -- and difficult -- things that can help your child is keeping your own stress level down. Kids pick up on parental emotions. If you're apprehensive or nervous, kids will mimic that behavior. However, if you're cool and confident, kids are more likely to be, too.